How to Be Okay When You Don’t Think You Are

Ann K Gryczan

​There is almost nothing more painful than believing there is something wrong with you, as if you came with some innate, but undefined flaw hidden deep inside your soul. Exactly what the flaw is, you are not certain, only that it exists and that others can sense it too.
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As painful as this is, the flaw, if it exists at all, is not even the real problem. Believing oneself flawed – and more people feel this way than you might guess – is only a cover for the real problem, and that is why trying to fix it almost never works.

The real problem is being separated from life, feeling disjointed and apart, isolated and unable to connect – really connect – with anyone or anything, like a plant uprooted from the soil, or bones that have broken apart.

But we don’t often see that this is the real problem, because the feeling of being cut off from our source and lost in a void of endless nothingness with no ground and nothing to hold onto, puts a lie to the fact of life itself, and that is too painful to bear.

So the ego/mind says, “There is something wrong with me,” and this thought feels like a safe harbor, finally, in the emptiness; a place to land where pain has a name and a reason, and where we have a purpose and even a ready excuse.

In truth, we can never be separate from our source or lose our connection with life. But it is part of the human condition to forget this and become lost in the fragments of our thoughts and the portions of our lives rationed out in time and space. We can mistake ourselves for one of these fragments and wander adrift and buffeted by an anonymous, uncaring universe in which we have no roots and no place. That is the only pain we ever really feel and that is always the real problem.

Fixing the Real Problem

Forgetting ourselves is a problem that comes with being human – “something wrong with me” – being only one of the ego’s many fixes for it. But the fixes can never work because the ego is the problem it is trying to solve.

​Fortunately, there are two ancient and well-traveled pathways for addressing and resolving the real problem. One is the way of the heart and one is the way of the will. They both have infinite variations and they both lead to the same result: remembering ourselves and knowing our perfect and innate worthiness simply by virtue of our existence.

Taking the first step on one of the following paths might feel difficult or painful at first – if you feel isolated, it can feel hard to step out the hard shell of exile that has formed around you. But if we start the process, like gently moving broken bones into position so they can heal, life will take it from there, entering the pathways made whole by our intention, and flowing through them again.

Each step leads to the next and the next, returning us gradually to real life where we can remember who we are and what we are doing here. Try either of the following pathways, start small, take the smallest step you can imagine, and that will be the perfect step.

The Way of the Heart: Serving Life

When our goal is to help someone else we forget the ego/mind for a moment, and draw upon the infinite well of our true essence. We may feel that we don’t have the strength, desire or wherewithal to offer anything to anyone – but this first step always has to be taken by us. This is like gently pressing the roots back into the earth and patting the soil firmly around them. Even by creating these first conditions for life to take hold, we will feel its flow returning – but this first step is ours. Start somewhere:

• Notice the presence of someone walking past you in the grocery store.
• Listen to what your child or pet is trying to tell you. Join your awareness with him or her and listen, for even just a moment.
• Return back to the soil an earthworm washed onto the sidewalk by the rain.
• Let another car move ahead of you in traffic.
• Open the door for someone.

Love is powerful and fear is not, so caring for others draws upon the innate power of Self, which is the same as love. Even if you can hardly imagine the idea of caring about anything, or access only the tiniest stream of kindness, then be that. Love will start to move in you and give you more strength. Now take another step. Say “Hello” to your neighbor or volunteer at an animal or homeless shelter.

Each action will help you remember and return to yourself, inspiring you to new ideas and further actions – follow these ideas and inspirations and let them lead you right back into yourself.

As the 13th century poet, Rumi, says: ​

The Way of the Will: Being Impeccable With Your Word

The ego, in its limited capacity, defined the pain we felt as, “something wrong with me,” and devised many clever ways to resolve the problem – getting more stuff, more attention, the best prize, being “good,” being on top, seeking oblivion, avoiding commitment, and myriad others. Only, none of these things can ever work because they are all attempts at making the experience of separation tolerable, which it can never be. 

If we let the ego/mind have its way, we get lost, and the more we let it have its way, the more lost we get. The initial freedom it seems to offer only leads to steeper gradations of meaninglessness and separation, and a greater need for more stuff, more attention, being good and all the rest. 

It often takes half a lifetime before we recognize that the ego’s solutions are not working. But once we do, that is a good day because that means we are ready to develop the spiritual will over the ego’s will – and now we are following the way of happiness and peace.

Keeping the spiritual will, even if we start with the smallest promise and keep it only one day, and then another, immediately allows a new awareness: that we have the necessary qualities to keep a promise, and therefore, we have something intrinsic on which we can rely, we have value, there is something good and true within us that we are. With steady progress we also discover that staying true to our promises for chores and obligations allows us to apply that same strength to our dreams and goals; our lives start working out.

But keeping one’s word requires strength, strength we often don’t have. Like a muscle, if we have lost our spiritual will the muscle is weak and we can’t count on ourselves – it feels too hard. So just like building a muscle, we have to start small: start with one small thing and keep your promise – no matter what. Start with the tiniest promise: 

    • Sweep the porch.
    • Clear a space on your desk for the next day’s work.
    • Go on a walk.
    • Say a silent grace before the next meal.
    • Make the call you have been putting off.

By keeping our word, one small promise at a time, we build an inner strength that allows us to touch down upon something true and real – and it is us. 

Rumi says:​​

Following the Path

We may forget life, but life never forgets us. Remembering ourselves often dawns gradually, like fingers remembering they are one with the hand, that remembers it is one with the body, that is one with the whole of humanity, and one with all of life, with the earth, seas and sky, the planets, galaxies and the whole of everything. In fact, the dismembered self remembers Self, not as any one thing, but as infinite consciousness that has no boundaries.

No matter where we are in our lives we can begin anew today and take the first, or another step on one of these pathways that are really one path. When the path reveals a deeper level of separation – one we never knew before existed – we know the path will help us make a bridge back to ourselves and to life. After a while, we look back at our old lives and who we were, and wonder in our new happiness how we could have once felt so apart and so lost. Then we take the next step into life and to knowing our intrinsic value simply because we are.

See you on the path!