Who Needs a Pronoun?

Ann K Gryczan

​Who needs a pronoun? The ego.

The ego needs a pronoun because then it is a something; it has a label and an identity and that means it exists. The pronoun singles out the ego and makes it feel special and not left out.

It is natural to like to feel special and not left out. The thing is, that natural desire comes from the ego/mind and if we feed it too much, the desire to be acknowledged and special becomes insatiable. Then, no matter how much we give it, the ego will need more. Then, if pronouns are our chosen route to feeling valued, we have a pronoun problem – and that is an ego problem.

Deep Down

Deep down, the ego’s biggest fear is that it might lose its identity and melt into All That Is. Coincidentally, that is exactly what we, as students of consciousness, are trying to make happen! But that is not the ego’s goal, because then what will it be? Nothing. Everything holding the ego in place will collapse and it won’t exist anymore. This biggest fear is why the ego gets so mad about being slighted by the wrong pronoun or any of a zillion other possible slights. One slight can lead to the collapse of the ego’s whole structure.

But fear is not usually the first response when the ego is afraid; anger is.

It can seem easy to feel angry or insulted if someone doesn’t get the pronoun the way we like it – using a generic “he” if you are a “she,” for example.

Sometimes it is important to take action to right a wrong, but feeling insulted is not one of those times. Why? Because only the ego can feel insulted – the true Self never feels insulted. So if we are fighting for the ego, we are only making it stronger. It is a lost cause anyway, because the more the ego gets the more it wants. Pretty soon, forget pronouns – they won’t be nearly enough! Just call me Most Excellent Almighty Queen of the Universe, the ego will say.

​The Seer

We have another option when we feel slighted. Instead of trying to change the world or going around feeling hurt or mad, it is interesting to step back from the insult or anger, and instead of being it, to watch it instead.

What happens? Often, we see and feel the ego all puffed up with indignation about having its feelings hurt or its value questioned.

And we who are observing, what about us? Are we puffed up with indignation? No, we are just seeing. No fear. No indignation. No threat to our existence either. In fact, we have a greater sense of belonging in life – and we discover pronouns don’t matter here. Isn’t that nice?

As simple as this exercise is, it is extremely powerful. We can step back from any emotion and observe it instead of being it. Just doing this changes everything. *

The Paradigm

Here is something else we can do with pesky things that trigger the ego. We can notice what kind of eye glasses we are wearing that make the world look the way it does.

In other words, we can notice our paradigm. A paradigm is like our own personal “reality bubble” that surrounds us wherever we go. Our minds are constantly spinning our thoughts, emotions, perceptions and memories into this reality bubble, and that is what determines our experience of the world and how we approach it. It’s not really reality, of course, but it seems like it.

If we have pronoun problems, we can assume their source is in our own personal reality bubble, or paradigm. If we consistently need our value to be acknowledged by others, then by definition, we believe we are lacking value – right?

And if lack is the basis of what we call reality, lack will naturally be our experience. Then, no matter how precisely the pronoun describes our different, special or unique status, we will always need an even better and more precise description. And no matter how much acknowledgment we get for being good, talented, special, sexy, worthy, smart or whatever, it can never be enough and we will always need more of that too. Whew. That is exhausting. Let’s give it up!

Let’s experiment with letting go of trying to get something. At first, this can feel like being empty or lost or falling into nothingness. But if we can stay with our awareness of the fear instead of becoming it, we can realize what is. We are. And by virtue of the fact that we exist, our value is complete and we know this.

Each time we can gently say “no” to whatever next thing the ego wants and step back into the infinite awareness of our true nature, we remember who we are, and we weaken the ego’s hold on us. We knock out one of the boxes within a box within a box within a box that holds the illusion of the ego together. This lets a little more love into our experience of the world. It helps us know that we are integral and recognized – always – in the unbroken wholeness of life.

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* My friend, Vivek, who teaches meditation, made a short video in which he talks about exactly this – and it’s great! Check it out here on his blog or here on his Facebook page.  ​